To my future sons and daughters, princes and princesses each, all warrior poets! I love you, all of you, with all my heart.
My children, this is not a set of rules for you to follow. I have forged ahead of you through the wilderness, and I as your father, only ask that you follow my footsteps. The path I traveled was treacherous, but I have made it safe. See, in the dirt and muck, my footprints. Step where I step. Follow this map. Let it guide you. I love you my children. Stay safe. I will always be there to guide and protect you.
- Your father
Where do I begin my children? I too am a beloved son of a loving, strong, almighty Father. The Lord God is my daddy and he is my King. I was born to be a knight in his kingdom, just as you my children were born to be princes and princesses. I abjure you, my children, to live as Knights and Princesses in God’s Kingdom. Follow Psalm 15 with all your heart.
Psalm 15: O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill?
He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart;who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend; in whose eyes a vile person is despised, but who honors those who fear the LORD;who swears to his own hurt and does not change; who does not put out his money at interest and does not take a bribe against the innocent.He who does these things shall never be moved.
This is how our King requests his children, his Knights, to live. Inscribe the words on your heart and apply these verses to everything I say my family. Now, mankind was made to live among community in relationship with others, and relationships are vital, but not just vital; absolutely necessary for life. Man was not made to be internal, or else God wouldn’t have walked with Adam in the Garden. Man was made to be external, to relate and be related to. This is why you, my children, were born into our family. Babies can’t make it without relationships. They die without love. Relationships are the framework for love, always remember that! Adam had full, perfect access to our Lord and King. But God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And so our Lord made Eve from Adam. The man now had a wife, and he was made one flesh with her in the first marriage. Adam was not made complete; he was not one flesh without Eve. You see, our faith is not a religion, but a romance. The Great Romance. Love is the center of our faith, for our God is love. Marriage is special to God. Both of the genders reveal two halves of the Creator. The man is the ultimate Warrior, the Provider, and the Protector. The woman is the lavish Supporter, the Nurturer, and the Captivator. Remember my children, only through marriage will you fully understand this intimate part of our God.
Love is the promise of pain says C. S. Lewis. This is true. Know that love is a commitment to one person for all eternity. This person and this person alone you choose to give your heart too. Be careful with your hearts my children. Do not give them to the undeserving, those who will take it and ruin it. Guard your hearts fiercely. You live in a world that is evil, fallen, and cursed. Everything is a mix of blessing and curse. Nothing will ever be perfect again, trust no one, yet you must learn to treat everyone as innocent until proven wicked. My children I have yet to learn how to do this. I tend to mistrust everyone I come across, partly because of my own unhealed soul, but you can, you must learn from your father’s failing. Become greater than I am.
Nothing is more important than family and faith my children. This world you live in is only half of reality. There lies beyond where our eyes can see a world entirely spirit but entirely real. Every action you do sends ripples into the spirit world, affecting the forces of both good and evil. Remember this. Watch every thought, every motive, and always search for the heart of the matter.
Everything belongs to God. All money is not yours, so my children just keep enough to get by. Give the rest back to our Lord and thank him for what he has given you. Remember the rich young ruler, who though he had the character of Psalm 15, could not part with his wealth. Christ demands all or nothing my children, and in everything you do I beg of you to go all or nothing. Never be lukewarm. In a world of such pain and wickedness, being lukewarm only helps the cause of evil. My children, only through relationship can you deal with grief and sorrow. This world pains me beyond words, but can I fix it? No, not as much as I’d like to anyway. Little things, yes, but I am no Gandhi. Take hope that this world is temporary, that these troubles only last a little while. Should we ignore the woes of the world? Certainly not! We as knights have a duty to our fellow man. We, like our God, have the power to rescue, and if we know of pain and woe and do nothing we have sinned! To allow evil is the same as committing it, remember this children!
Wildness is God’s schoolhouse. My children, an education is a good thing, but don’t let head knowledge overcome heart knowledge. Head knowledge is meant to be transformed into heart knowledge. Gain wisdom, gain experience. My children only through living in community can you experience life. Do not isolate yourself, even when all you want to do is be alone, but drown yourself among friends and family. Trust teachers that make you think. You can’t teach heart knowledge, but you can guide to heart knowledge. By doing you fully understand, remember this sons! Remember this daughters! Surround yourself with those who will give the objective truth about your life. No one, no matter how wise, can see themselves clearly, and to live in ignorance of one’s self is unwise. Take up journaling. Through this year of my life I have journaled hundreds of pages, some full of anger, others sadness, others joy. I’ve overcome and dealt with many difficult things through journaling. My children it’s a means to get out your emotions, to not bottle them up! As your father I bottle up my emotions, and I can only pray that one day I won’t lose my head and explode on you my precious children. Always make sure your mom and I talk daily, and I pray that we will always guide and show you that we have a real love relationship so that you will know what to look for in your mate.
My daughters, I beseech you, I beg of you upon my knees to avoid the men mentioned in 2nd Timothy 3: 1-8 which says:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith.
My daughters, trust no man unless he has been put into the fire and refined as silver as Zechariah says in chapter 13. Only those of God are real men, only can the redeemed become real men. I beg of you to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.
My sons, find and treasure the woman mentioned in proverbs 31: 10-31. Cherish her, for she is rare. Sons, remember that the heart is what matters. Beauty will fade, but the heart will grow ever more beautiful, always remember that my sons! Remember that your wife is your reward and treasure from God.
As Proverbs 5: 15-19 says:
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe…be intoxicated always in her love. (Bold added)
My children, as a youth and a man I have struggled with lust and impure thoughts. It is every man’s battle, and it is my personal sin. I beg God that you will not struggle as I do. This sin seeps into your soul, wrapping it’s tendrils around your heart. It enslaves and impurifies you. No sin affects you as this one, because it is a sin that poisons mind, heart, and soul, it is a sin against yourself, God, and God’s creation you lust after. Watch your eyes, heart, and mind. Guard them with your life. For the sake of your future mate.
Remember, as Jesus says, it’s not what you take in that poisons your soul, but what you vomit up. Whatever comes out of your mouth reveals what is in your heart my children. Contemplate every word, for speech is a sword that can save or kill. Every word, every action, sends ripples into the spirit world, always remember this!
My sons, I charge you to always pursue and rescue your wives! Never let a day go bye in which she falls asleep without feeling wanted! Never! My daughters pursue your husbands! Love them will all your heart, and always lean on their strength. It brings out the man in them.
You are rescuers. You are made after a rescuer God. It is part of the Great Romance. The Bible is his story of our rescue. God loves to boldly come through and save for our sake, he always comes through, and that is my charge to you children. Always come through.
Set free the captives in darkness. Isaiah charges us with this. Know this: It is not a mistake to rescue the innocent from the wicked! Never think it is! You will face situations where it will seem like it is the wrong thing to do my children, but always rescue! Always protect! Remember this; endurance leads to character, and nothing is more valuable than character! Character leads my children to hope!
As your father I want you to know that I am always cultivating character in myself. You will fail often. But God is strong to forgive. Never condemn yourself for failure.
Micah 7:8-9 says:
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy, when I fall, I shall rise, when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him, until he pleads my cause, and executes judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light. I shall look upon his vindication.
Remember this verse my children. When you fall, you shall surely rise! When you sit in darkness the Lord will always be a light! When you walk in the valley, when you let go of God’s hand, he still has a hold! He will never let go! When your hand is weak and tired his hand still has a hold!
I will never let you go. I will always fight for, nurture, protect, and support you. I love you, all of you, each in a special and unique way! You are all pieces of my heart, and you are all vital to my life. I love you. I can never say that enough. I love you, and I’m proud of you.
My sons, hear me now, you have what it takes! You are wild, you are barbarians!
My daughters, I see you, and you are truly beautiful in every way! You are warriors, you are captivating, and you are free!
Find the man and woman that completes your life that you may grow to be as happy as I am. I have endured a life, and by God’s strength I’ll take a stand now on your behalf. For you my future children I throw my addiction down. For your sake, and for the sake of your mother. I love her. Know this, and I love you. Follow my footsteps. Follow my map. I have made your path straight, I have leveled mountains for you. Follow me. Lord, that I may be a leader and a father, shaped and molded after you, my King and my God.
I love you with all I am, forever,
Your father, Ryan Alan Winchester
Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Bought with a price
“You were bought with a price.” – 1st Corinthians 6:20
I remember the day I first truly read this verse. Mr. Miller was droning about something in Christian Faith and I was just sitting there letting my mind wander where it will. My mobile phone was in my lap, under my leg so he wouldn’t see it, and I got a text. That was odd in itself, no one ever really texted me. Especially during school. I looked to see who it was from and it was from Tim Williams, an old friend and mentor who I haven’t spoken too for around a year. I was pleasantly surprised to see my old buddy’s name. His text read, “Hey buddy, I was reading these verses and God told me to tell you about them. Check them out.” Things changed after I read those verses, and for you to know the true impact of them in my heart you must know my story. It all started when I was just two years old.
You remember the blizzard brought on my El Nino’ in 1992 (or was it 1993?). I was two then, and my family and I were snowed in our big brick house with the expansive backyard. The snow was halfway up the door and windows though my parents did manage to shovel a path to a wood pile and another path for Scooby to go to the john. The refrigerator was out along with the lights, and we put our food in the frigid snow to keep it frozen. Some phone line somewhere was down, so the phones just made that annoying *bum bum bum* noise. Blankets were hung over doorways to keep in the life giving warmth brought on by the struggling fire. I was dying of pneumonia. My brothers were ok, they probably slept a lot. I kept mommy awake and sick with worry. But too everyone’s relief I pulled through, but I didn’t come out completely unscathed. I was left with a Question that would follow me later in life, a Question that drove me down into my deepest darkness trying to answer. Why didn’t I die God, why didn’t I die?
I am seven. The Question has yet to form in my mind. I was at church, vacation bible school actually. I was your normal hyper nerdy seven year old that liked video games and TV and as the people who taught me during my VBS years told me later; I was “trouble.” They would jokingly refer to how no one wanted me in their class. I was that kid. Anyway, I was too naïve and simple to understand what sin was or why I needed Jesus, but at that VBS I first prayed that God will enter my heart. Do I believe I was “saved” then? Absolutely not. But I don’t believe that my salvation happened at one exact point. I believe it happened over many years. A process, if you will. So at seven my process began. I was on my way to righteousness, and just when the seeds of salvation were being sown in my heart the enemy came in the night and sowed weeds. At seven, my curse began. I have a sinful habit, a terrible eleven year addiction that has haunted me and driven me deeply into despair. I started masturbating at seven. I started slowly wrapping my young light heart in heavy barbed chains. This sin will almost destroy me. But you forget, I was seven. How would I have known?
I am thirteen. I have just started at a new school, I was alive to God then; I was intimately praying to the Father. Does this mean I was a Christian? Not yet, give the process two more years. But I do remember this soft loving time fondly. The warmth I had, killed, by my addiction and peer pressure. It wasn’t cool to be alive in Christ. I wanted so badly to fit in. The fire went out then. And it would stay out until I was a freshman.
I am in seventh grade, fourteen years old.. Unable to really fit in I started becoming depressed. To medicate my depression I would turn to my childhood addiction. All through seventh and eighth grade this spiral of depression would continue. I would go through “seasons”. For a season I would be depressed and then I would be happy for a season. By now I was completely addicted. Because of my addiction and sin the seasons of depression would last much longer and the times of happiness would be vastly shorter. I would be depressed for months in between. The fire of God was dead, and the wick of my heart was frozen.
I’m a freshman. This is the big year. The terrible year. The worst year. Life was all about lust and my addiction. Girls were as objects to me. I dated one girl that summer for a month. We never saw each other; we just talked on the phone every night and emailed a lot. She broke up with me over email and I was devastated. One week later I was at youth camp where I lost my first kiss to a girl I just met. I will always deeply regret how foolishly I gave away my first kiss. That fling lasted two weeks. I broke it off, because I wasn’t able to see her or kiss her. And I cowardly did this over email. By thanksgiving I had another girlfriend. I kissed her after two weeks. She broke up with me over instant messaging, just a few days after we kissed. I was getting desperate for love. My addiction reached new heights. My depression was almost rock bottom. Some time through my dating fiasco I picked up a book.I remember:
The clerk at this particular Lifeway in Gatlinburg was rambling about this book I was looking at. He was clearly a sketchy character, with unsightly long greasy hair and a big bushy beard and he was very large and oily, but I didn’t mind. I was too enthralled about the material I held in my hands. By a “Christian” author it said. This book was on spiritual warfare. The odd thing was that I wasn’t interested in spiritual warfare in the least because I wasn’t yet a Christian. What I was interested in was the satanic and occult material this book covered. It was about fighting spiritually by knowing everything about the enemy, about the satanic. I was morbidly intrigued by the idea. So I bought the book.
I remember:
The night I bought that book I read as much of it as I could. Eventually I had to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. I was too scared. The terror I felt that night, it was horrible, surreal. I kept the book far from me while I slept, because I somehow knew that the evil and dread I felt was because of that book. I eventually slept. By morning I was reading again. It was too late now; I found my newest love: I was obsessed with the occult.
I finished the book quickly. Because the author was “Christian” my mom bought me the remaining books by the same author, all on the occult and the satanic and “revealing” them. Soon I got more books, by more “Christian” authors. Soon I spent nights on the computer when everyone was asleep on satanic websites. I deleted my history. I had two addictions now. My life couldn’t be darker.
I remember:
I’m still a freshman. I’m still addicted to both my sins. I was sitting in my room; there is a space between my bed and the wall about the width of a nightstand. What I was doing wasn’t all that unfamiliar to me. I had a knife to my wrist again. But this time was different. This time I might actually go through with it. I was going to do it. The cold knife was going to warm itself in my blood. I could see it in my mind. Spurred on by my childhood addiction and my occultism I was about to kill myself. I felt no remorse.
Moments later I was a sobbing wreck on the floor. God had rescued me, by breaking my heart completely to Him. Looking back it was as if he was saying, “This is my beloved son. In him I am well pleased. He called on me at age seven, and now he finally realizes he needs Me. I am here to rescue you, my Ryan.”
I became a Christian that night. I had so many changes I needed to make! I was forgiven; I had a new life ahead of me. I thought that now I was a Christian my past would just go away and that my addictions would take wing and go somewhere I can’t get too. I stopped dabbling in the occult right then, but there are permanent curses on me because of that sin. It would be three more years until those curses became a blessing to me and others. That night I, led by God, gave up my chase of girls. I knew that I was not ready; I would not be able to treat a girl like a man in a righteous and holy way for a very long time. Girls were still objects to me. But so far, I felt good about the changes I made. I even went a couple of weeks (or maybe it was days?) without reverting back to my childhood addiction. But I fell. And it would be three more years until I learned why I gave in. But again, I messed up, I sinned. Because of my sin, a new one appeared to fill the void left by the occult. I began beating myself up, despising myself for my perceived weakness, even hating myself. To my detriment, because of my self loathing, I continued practicing my addiction. I still haven’t dealt with my occult past at this point and its curse remained stronger than ever. The next there years were lived in darkness still, yet Jesus still danced in my heart. The flame was alive again after three years, and it was yet small. I had no passion yet, no life. God wanted to be alive in me again.
I remember:
Mr. Moore talked to us about a book called Wild at Heart, by John Elridge. We read a chapter of it, and it deeply resonated with me. I bought the book, read it, and I started my journey into my own passion and manhood. I began devouring good Christian books, books like Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, which helped me to love the heart of a woman. Women were no longer objects, but irreplaceable treasures. I read “The Way of the Wild Heart” and learned what it was to became a man, a warrior poet. I was in my Church’s praise band now, growing in my heart a passion for worship. I began to love the idea and paradigm of chivalry. I read all the material on knights I could find and I began to become a romantic. Movies like “Braveheart”, “Gladiator”, “The Last of the Mohicans”, “Legends of the Fall”, and even obscure movies like “Howl’s Moving Castle” influenced me. They taught me how to be a man at heart, they taught my heart to be a man of integrity, honor, passion, and chivalry. Movies like, “The Last Samurai”, and “Kingdom of Heaven”, greatly inspired my soul. And more recently movies like “10,000 BC,” and ‘Stardust” brought me further down the path of the romantic. I was learning that God can teach your truths through people, books, and movies, not just the Bible.
Yet through all of this, I was still addicted to masturbation and I still hated everything about myself. I felt like Paul did when he said he was doing the very thing he hated. I was doing the very thing I absolutely hated with all my passion. With my view of Chivalry, any crime such as what I committed, was the very worst of sins. I was a hypocrite, I am a hypocrite, and I hated myself all the more.
Senior year started, and this is the year in which I have begun to fully accept myself, to ever accept love. The verses in Tim’s message were from 1st Corinthians 6: 18-20.
18) Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.19) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,20) for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. (Italics added)
I was bought with a price. I read that, over and over, and God spoke to me. I have worth, I was worth a price, and I was worth the highest price! Jesus let himself be mauled and devoured for me. Because I was worth it, not just the Sunday school answer of because he loves me, but because I was WORTH it! I wrote “you were bought with a price” on my forearm with a sharpie. I meditated on it constantly, I repeated it over and over when I started beating myself up. And it kept me from that sin. Now I was back in God’s Word, and I was tearing through the book of Mathew. That’s when I saw the second greatest commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Those verses stuck in my mind, but I didn’t really get what they wanted to tell me until I read Blue Like Jazz again for the second time. Donald says the words, “I would never talk to my neighbor as I talk to myself.” I learned that I had to love myself too; I had to learn how to actually accept love. That was very hard for me, and it still is, but I knew that I was refusing love. From God and from people, and as I type this now I realize that I still have such a problem with accepting love. But I am learning. And what I have learned is that Jesus is inside of me. That, when I am temped to run to my addiction, I can just pray “Jesus, I am not strong enough to defeat this temptation, but you are.” That’s why I was failing when I first became a Christian to stop practicing my addiction! I was trying to fight it in my own power. And that’s also what I was doing with my occult curse. I was trying to fight it in my own power.
It was a little while before this that I fully dealt with my occult past. Our church had a new building made, a very large nice multi purpose building with basketball courts, an elaborate youth room, and a game room. We were going to have a retreat when it opened, called Fall Fusion. We would spend time in the new building, then we would go off to sponsor houses for bible study and this lasted for a weekend. It was the last night, during worship, that I pulled aside the “den mother” of our youth group, Angie Blevins. I confessed my occult past to her along with my addiction, and she in so many words told me to let God clean out my heart. I was still being held down by that sin, by the occult, and even though I cannot remember exactly what she said (she said so much!) I took the words to heart.
I remember:
It was last Wednesday, the 14th of January. This time the band I led wasn’t playing during the youth service. One of my friends Seth and his band were playing, and per usual I went to the back to sing. That was always my habit, and back there I belted out song at the top of my lungs. Afterwards Angie, our den mother, came back there and said these words. “It’s so good to hear you sing with your clean heart.” I said, “Thank you,” accepting her love with a smile.
I remember the day I first truly read this verse. Mr. Miller was droning about something in Christian Faith and I was just sitting there letting my mind wander where it will. My mobile phone was in my lap, under my leg so he wouldn’t see it, and I got a text. That was odd in itself, no one ever really texted me. Especially during school. I looked to see who it was from and it was from Tim Williams, an old friend and mentor who I haven’t spoken too for around a year. I was pleasantly surprised to see my old buddy’s name. His text read, “Hey buddy, I was reading these verses and God told me to tell you about them. Check them out.” Things changed after I read those verses, and for you to know the true impact of them in my heart you must know my story. It all started when I was just two years old.
You remember the blizzard brought on my El Nino’ in 1992 (or was it 1993?). I was two then, and my family and I were snowed in our big brick house with the expansive backyard. The snow was halfway up the door and windows though my parents did manage to shovel a path to a wood pile and another path for Scooby to go to the john. The refrigerator was out along with the lights, and we put our food in the frigid snow to keep it frozen. Some phone line somewhere was down, so the phones just made that annoying *bum bum bum* noise. Blankets were hung over doorways to keep in the life giving warmth brought on by the struggling fire. I was dying of pneumonia. My brothers were ok, they probably slept a lot. I kept mommy awake and sick with worry. But too everyone’s relief I pulled through, but I didn’t come out completely unscathed. I was left with a Question that would follow me later in life, a Question that drove me down into my deepest darkness trying to answer. Why didn’t I die God, why didn’t I die?
I am seven. The Question has yet to form in my mind. I was at church, vacation bible school actually. I was your normal hyper nerdy seven year old that liked video games and TV and as the people who taught me during my VBS years told me later; I was “trouble.” They would jokingly refer to how no one wanted me in their class. I was that kid. Anyway, I was too naïve and simple to understand what sin was or why I needed Jesus, but at that VBS I first prayed that God will enter my heart. Do I believe I was “saved” then? Absolutely not. But I don’t believe that my salvation happened at one exact point. I believe it happened over many years. A process, if you will. So at seven my process began. I was on my way to righteousness, and just when the seeds of salvation were being sown in my heart the enemy came in the night and sowed weeds. At seven, my curse began. I have a sinful habit, a terrible eleven year addiction that has haunted me and driven me deeply into despair. I started masturbating at seven. I started slowly wrapping my young light heart in heavy barbed chains. This sin will almost destroy me. But you forget, I was seven. How would I have known?
I am thirteen. I have just started at a new school, I was alive to God then; I was intimately praying to the Father. Does this mean I was a Christian? Not yet, give the process two more years. But I do remember this soft loving time fondly. The warmth I had, killed, by my addiction and peer pressure. It wasn’t cool to be alive in Christ. I wanted so badly to fit in. The fire went out then. And it would stay out until I was a freshman.
I am in seventh grade, fourteen years old.. Unable to really fit in I started becoming depressed. To medicate my depression I would turn to my childhood addiction. All through seventh and eighth grade this spiral of depression would continue. I would go through “seasons”. For a season I would be depressed and then I would be happy for a season. By now I was completely addicted. Because of my addiction and sin the seasons of depression would last much longer and the times of happiness would be vastly shorter. I would be depressed for months in between. The fire of God was dead, and the wick of my heart was frozen.
I’m a freshman. This is the big year. The terrible year. The worst year. Life was all about lust and my addiction. Girls were as objects to me. I dated one girl that summer for a month. We never saw each other; we just talked on the phone every night and emailed a lot. She broke up with me over email and I was devastated. One week later I was at youth camp where I lost my first kiss to a girl I just met. I will always deeply regret how foolishly I gave away my first kiss. That fling lasted two weeks. I broke it off, because I wasn’t able to see her or kiss her. And I cowardly did this over email. By thanksgiving I had another girlfriend. I kissed her after two weeks. She broke up with me over instant messaging, just a few days after we kissed. I was getting desperate for love. My addiction reached new heights. My depression was almost rock bottom. Some time through my dating fiasco I picked up a book.I remember:
The clerk at this particular Lifeway in Gatlinburg was rambling about this book I was looking at. He was clearly a sketchy character, with unsightly long greasy hair and a big bushy beard and he was very large and oily, but I didn’t mind. I was too enthralled about the material I held in my hands. By a “Christian” author it said. This book was on spiritual warfare. The odd thing was that I wasn’t interested in spiritual warfare in the least because I wasn’t yet a Christian. What I was interested in was the satanic and occult material this book covered. It was about fighting spiritually by knowing everything about the enemy, about the satanic. I was morbidly intrigued by the idea. So I bought the book.
I remember:
The night I bought that book I read as much of it as I could. Eventually I had to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. I was too scared. The terror I felt that night, it was horrible, surreal. I kept the book far from me while I slept, because I somehow knew that the evil and dread I felt was because of that book. I eventually slept. By morning I was reading again. It was too late now; I found my newest love: I was obsessed with the occult.
I finished the book quickly. Because the author was “Christian” my mom bought me the remaining books by the same author, all on the occult and the satanic and “revealing” them. Soon I got more books, by more “Christian” authors. Soon I spent nights on the computer when everyone was asleep on satanic websites. I deleted my history. I had two addictions now. My life couldn’t be darker.
I remember:
I’m still a freshman. I’m still addicted to both my sins. I was sitting in my room; there is a space between my bed and the wall about the width of a nightstand. What I was doing wasn’t all that unfamiliar to me. I had a knife to my wrist again. But this time was different. This time I might actually go through with it. I was going to do it. The cold knife was going to warm itself in my blood. I could see it in my mind. Spurred on by my childhood addiction and my occultism I was about to kill myself. I felt no remorse.
Moments later I was a sobbing wreck on the floor. God had rescued me, by breaking my heart completely to Him. Looking back it was as if he was saying, “This is my beloved son. In him I am well pleased. He called on me at age seven, and now he finally realizes he needs Me. I am here to rescue you, my Ryan.”
I became a Christian that night. I had so many changes I needed to make! I was forgiven; I had a new life ahead of me. I thought that now I was a Christian my past would just go away and that my addictions would take wing and go somewhere I can’t get too. I stopped dabbling in the occult right then, but there are permanent curses on me because of that sin. It would be three more years until those curses became a blessing to me and others. That night I, led by God, gave up my chase of girls. I knew that I was not ready; I would not be able to treat a girl like a man in a righteous and holy way for a very long time. Girls were still objects to me. But so far, I felt good about the changes I made. I even went a couple of weeks (or maybe it was days?) without reverting back to my childhood addiction. But I fell. And it would be three more years until I learned why I gave in. But again, I messed up, I sinned. Because of my sin, a new one appeared to fill the void left by the occult. I began beating myself up, despising myself for my perceived weakness, even hating myself. To my detriment, because of my self loathing, I continued practicing my addiction. I still haven’t dealt with my occult past at this point and its curse remained stronger than ever. The next there years were lived in darkness still, yet Jesus still danced in my heart. The flame was alive again after three years, and it was yet small. I had no passion yet, no life. God wanted to be alive in me again.
I remember:
Mr. Moore talked to us about a book called Wild at Heart, by John Elridge. We read a chapter of it, and it deeply resonated with me. I bought the book, read it, and I started my journey into my own passion and manhood. I began devouring good Christian books, books like Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, which helped me to love the heart of a woman. Women were no longer objects, but irreplaceable treasures. I read “The Way of the Wild Heart” and learned what it was to became a man, a warrior poet. I was in my Church’s praise band now, growing in my heart a passion for worship. I began to love the idea and paradigm of chivalry. I read all the material on knights I could find and I began to become a romantic. Movies like “Braveheart”, “Gladiator”, “The Last of the Mohicans”, “Legends of the Fall”, and even obscure movies like “Howl’s Moving Castle” influenced me. They taught me how to be a man at heart, they taught my heart to be a man of integrity, honor, passion, and chivalry. Movies like, “The Last Samurai”, and “Kingdom of Heaven”, greatly inspired my soul. And more recently movies like “10,000 BC,” and ‘Stardust” brought me further down the path of the romantic. I was learning that God can teach your truths through people, books, and movies, not just the Bible.
Yet through all of this, I was still addicted to masturbation and I still hated everything about myself. I felt like Paul did when he said he was doing the very thing he hated. I was doing the very thing I absolutely hated with all my passion. With my view of Chivalry, any crime such as what I committed, was the very worst of sins. I was a hypocrite, I am a hypocrite, and I hated myself all the more.
Senior year started, and this is the year in which I have begun to fully accept myself, to ever accept love. The verses in Tim’s message were from 1st Corinthians 6: 18-20.
18) Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.19) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,20) for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. (Italics added)
I was bought with a price. I read that, over and over, and God spoke to me. I have worth, I was worth a price, and I was worth the highest price! Jesus let himself be mauled and devoured for me. Because I was worth it, not just the Sunday school answer of because he loves me, but because I was WORTH it! I wrote “you were bought with a price” on my forearm with a sharpie. I meditated on it constantly, I repeated it over and over when I started beating myself up. And it kept me from that sin. Now I was back in God’s Word, and I was tearing through the book of Mathew. That’s when I saw the second greatest commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Those verses stuck in my mind, but I didn’t really get what they wanted to tell me until I read Blue Like Jazz again for the second time. Donald says the words, “I would never talk to my neighbor as I talk to myself.” I learned that I had to love myself too; I had to learn how to actually accept love. That was very hard for me, and it still is, but I knew that I was refusing love. From God and from people, and as I type this now I realize that I still have such a problem with accepting love. But I am learning. And what I have learned is that Jesus is inside of me. That, when I am temped to run to my addiction, I can just pray “Jesus, I am not strong enough to defeat this temptation, but you are.” That’s why I was failing when I first became a Christian to stop practicing my addiction! I was trying to fight it in my own power. And that’s also what I was doing with my occult curse. I was trying to fight it in my own power.
It was a little while before this that I fully dealt with my occult past. Our church had a new building made, a very large nice multi purpose building with basketball courts, an elaborate youth room, and a game room. We were going to have a retreat when it opened, called Fall Fusion. We would spend time in the new building, then we would go off to sponsor houses for bible study and this lasted for a weekend. It was the last night, during worship, that I pulled aside the “den mother” of our youth group, Angie Blevins. I confessed my occult past to her along with my addiction, and she in so many words told me to let God clean out my heart. I was still being held down by that sin, by the occult, and even though I cannot remember exactly what she said (she said so much!) I took the words to heart.
I remember:
It was last Wednesday, the 14th of January. This time the band I led wasn’t playing during the youth service. One of my friends Seth and his band were playing, and per usual I went to the back to sing. That was always my habit, and back there I belted out song at the top of my lungs. Afterwards Angie, our den mother, came back there and said these words. “It’s so good to hear you sing with your clean heart.” I said, “Thank you,” accepting her love with a smile.
One out of a thousand
The book of ecclesiastes says that there is one rightous man out of every thousand. What I want to ask is, where are they? Where are these righteous? Our world is full of rapist and child molestors. Girls trance around the beach wearing less than their underwear, showing their body off to everyone but their future husband. I will always have to live with the fact that some random stranger saw more of my future wife than I will see until we are wed. Is that not disgusting? There are no real men. Men are slaves now, to sex, to greed, to lust, to power, to every demonic falsehood in the world. And those who aren't have no backbone.
Where are the men with a spine? Those dangerous rangers who defend the borders and wild parts of christiandom? Man was made to be wild! Where are these wild men? The battlefields are empty! Swords rust! Darkness rules the world now! Where are those christian knights? Those who take up the sword and fight as spirituel barabarians, running ahead of the front lines screaming "JESUS!!!!!" and setting captives free from darkness!
Oh God! That I may be one of these men! I want to be a barabarian! I want to truly embrace this wild way of yours, this warrior path that few take! I take up the sword, and I ask for the prayers of your saints! The victory is ours for the taking men! TAKE UP YOUR SWORDS!!
Where are the men with a spine? Those dangerous rangers who defend the borders and wild parts of christiandom? Man was made to be wild! Where are these wild men? The battlefields are empty! Swords rust! Darkness rules the world now! Where are those christian knights? Those who take up the sword and fight as spirituel barabarians, running ahead of the front lines screaming "JESUS!!!!!" and setting captives free from darkness!
Oh God! That I may be one of these men! I want to be a barabarian! I want to truly embrace this wild way of yours, this warrior path that few take! I take up the sword, and I ask for the prayers of your saints! The victory is ours for the taking men! TAKE UP YOUR SWORDS!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Modern Knight
THE MODERN KNIGHT
byHis ExcellencyBaron Ndubuisi Nnaji of ThubenGCdHS, Capt. HGHS, KtB
INTRODUCTIONThe following presentation was delivered by the Supreme Council Grand Chancellor (RMOKHSJ) Baron Ndubuisi Nnaji, G.Cd.H.S., Capt. H.G.H.S., K.C.S., K.C.S.A., Kt.B., at the Seventeenth Annual General Assembly of The Religious and Military Order of Knights of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem. Baron Thuben has made many contributions to the field of Chivalry in general and this Holy Sepulchre Order in particular. The distinguished Knight and Nobleman is from Nigeria.
The Modern KnightThe words knighthood and chivalry have been interchangeably used to mean the same thing for hundreds of years. Chivalry is often used as a synonym for civility, nobility, and good manners. There is a very good reason for that use which we will find in the following discussion of what a knight is, what he has been, and what he should be.
The noble estate of knighthood has fluctuated in importance since the middle ages, but the ideals of knighthood have increased steadily in relevance and importance over the last thousand years. The knight has been written about as a warrior par excellence, as a defender of the faithful and the weak, as a romanticized figure of exceptional qualities in legends and folk tales, and, at some point in history, a mercenary exploited by kings and queens. Generally speaking, the knight is the first stage prior to or leading to nobility in the aristocratic hierarchy. That is, the "knight" is a kind of entry level into the Nobility. What kind of person was made a knight?
According to Hugh, Count Tiberias, a knight was a person who "must not be consenting to false judgement, or be a party to treason; he must honor all women and damsels, and be ready to aid them to the limit of his powers; he must hear when possible, a mass every day, and must fast every Friday in remembrance of Christ's passing."
In that definition, you see the Christian religious influence on knighthood. Ramon Lull paints an even more saintly picture of what a knight is supposed to be: "He was a man courteous and nobly spoken, well clad and generous. He prized honor before all, and eschewed pride, false-swearing, idleness, lechery, and especially treason." The knight's duties were to take up his sword to uphold justice, protect the weak, and defend the church. According to Maurice Keen, only the most loyal, most strong, and most noble of courage, were chosen to be knights.
Early writers on chivalry such as Ramon Lull, Geoffrey de Charny, and Lambert of Ardres, suggest that kings and queens were encouraged, advised, and even expected to appoint their ministers and important officials of their royal courts from among knights because the knights were the creme de la creme, the finest quality of men in the society.
So, it is not at all surprising that when Kings and Queens, Dukes and Princes, Popes and Patriarchs needed the finest warriors and most loyal and trusted officials or emissaries, they turned to the knights. That was one of the reasons for Pope Urban II's appeal of 1095, at the beginning of the Christian crusades to liberate Jerusalem.
In short, from the traditional oath and charge of knighthood, we get the idea then, that nobility, courage, loyalty, courtesy, largesse (generosity), hardiness, prowess, humility, and tenacity, are the sine qua non characteristics of knighthood. Were these attributes and ideals attainable? I say, Yes. History is replete with stories of famous knights who kept to the ideals of chivalry and thus became immortalized, knights such as William the Marshall, Godfrey de Bouillon, Joan of Arc, Arnold of Ardres, Geoffrey of Anjou, to name a few.
As a point of departure, we should ask the "million dollar" question: Are the ideals and attributes of knighthood still attainable in this modern age? The answer is--Yes! Are knights of this era able to meet the challenges similar to those faced by the medieval knights? The answer is again--Yes!
What then are some of the challenges facing the modern knights? How can the knight meet and overcome these challenges?
Challenges and IdealsIn order to do some justice to this question, one only has to look at any of today's newspaper to see the ills facing society. Every day in the news, you hear or read of rape and murder, betrayal and larceny, smallness of character and acts of cowardice, oppression of the weak and incivility of the worst kind. Those are some of the challenges that face the knight in this age.
John of Salisbury once said that chivalry (knighthood) was a "profession that had been instituted by God and that is in its own right necessary to human well-being." Each modern knight has, in his or her own right, the ability to change the world by changing his or her sphere of influence.
Think for a moment how different the history of Columbine High School would have been if chivalry was the language always spoken there among the students. At the same time, think about what would have happened if one knightly teacher had not risked and sacrificed his life to warn as many students as possible. Think for a moment how different the history of South Africa would have been if there were more knights upholding the ideals of justice, largesse, and defense of the weak. Think for a moment how different the history of the United States would have been if there were more knights, more than a century ago, upholding the ideals of justice for all, courtesy, courage and nobility.
The knight is armed (symbolically in this age) with a sword to do battle against all forms of evil--injustice, racism, and intolerance, terrorism in all forms, genocide in all shapes and pretexts, and oppression. To be successful, the knight must be courageous. Sacrifices are often required in order to do the right thing.
A true knight does not look away when women and children and the weak are being molested or oppressed by the strong and powerful. Edmund Burke once wrote that "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing!" Let us therefore examine some of the traditional attributes of knighthood.
Loyalty: The commercialization of society has made the attribute or ideal of loyalty more and more rare. The knight yesterday and today was, and is, supposed to be loyal to God, his liege, and his country. Loyalty demands honesty and faithfulness, being law-abiding, and promoting the ideals for which you were made a knight.
Courtesy: The ideal of courtesy demands civility, respect, gentle manliness, and kindness. Take a drive on the streets of Washington, New York, Los Angeles, or perhaps even Greeley (Colorado), and you have an idea of some of the challenges knights can face daily. A driver cuts in front of you without warning, and if you dare to honk to warn him of the danger he is creating for both of you, he makes an obscene gesture. A driver wants to overtake you on a street or highway where it is absolutely dangerous to do so, and if you don't get out of his way quickly, bullets may start flying.
The increasing absence of respect, civility, courtesy and gentleness in our society is a challenge that every knight faces. The dedicated knight can combat and counter these tendencies by being courteous on the road, ignoring the finger-shaking highway terrorist, keeping a safe distance from others, and, where necessary, using the appropriate law enforcement system to stop further deterioration of order.
Helping and opening the door for women and children, the handicapped, and the elderly (and even the not-so-elderly) should be a matter of habit for the knight. Teaching your children and your wards the art of civility is the duty of every knight.
Largesse (generosity): An important duty and attribute of knighthood is generosity--the giving of one's time, money, wealth, and knowledge. The modern day chivalric Orders tend to pay a lot of emphasis on this aspect of chivalry for good reason.
Charity (or giving): is a virtue of the highest order. Many Orders of Chivalry expect you, and indeed require you, to give to charity every year. Some Orders have built hospitals, schools, orphanages, and other institutions for helping others. As a knight in this day and age, giving to charity is an important way of promoting justice and defending the weak.
Hardiness, prowess, and tenacity: In medieval times, prowess was judged by the knight's abilities as shown in jousts and tournaments. In this age, prowess should be judged by the knight's abilities and dexterity in combating evil in society, and his diplomacy in dealing with hostile elements.
His tenacity is judged by his readiness and relentless commitment to success on the ideals of chivalry. As one writer once said: "Chivalry involves a constant quest to improve on achievement and cannot rest satisfied."
Humility: In modern society where humility is sometimes mistaken for weakness, it is a challenge for the knight to be strong, tenacious, noble, courageous, kind and yet humble. When you consider that knights are usually selected from among the creme de la creme of society, you realize that you find among knights those who have the most to be proud of, and yet Chivalry demands that humility is as important as achievement.
In conclusion, I wish to leave you with a charge from a late 13th century romance of Dumart le Galois to a group of new knights who were readying to do battle on behalf of the Queen of Ireland against the usurping King Nogans. Dumart said to them:
My Lords, a knight must be hardy, courteous, generous, loyal, and fair of speech: ferocious to his foe, frank and debonair to his friend.... Seek therefore this day to do deeds that will deserve to be remembered, for every new knight should make a good beginning.
So let it be with each of us.
byHis ExcellencyBaron Ndubuisi Nnaji of ThubenGCdHS, Capt. HGHS, KtB
INTRODUCTIONThe following presentation was delivered by the Supreme Council Grand Chancellor (RMOKHSJ) Baron Ndubuisi Nnaji, G.Cd.H.S., Capt. H.G.H.S., K.C.S., K.C.S.A., Kt.B., at the Seventeenth Annual General Assembly of The Religious and Military Order of Knights of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem. Baron Thuben has made many contributions to the field of Chivalry in general and this Holy Sepulchre Order in particular. The distinguished Knight and Nobleman is from Nigeria.
The Modern KnightThe words knighthood and chivalry have been interchangeably used to mean the same thing for hundreds of years. Chivalry is often used as a synonym for civility, nobility, and good manners. There is a very good reason for that use which we will find in the following discussion of what a knight is, what he has been, and what he should be.
The noble estate of knighthood has fluctuated in importance since the middle ages, but the ideals of knighthood have increased steadily in relevance and importance over the last thousand years. The knight has been written about as a warrior par excellence, as a defender of the faithful and the weak, as a romanticized figure of exceptional qualities in legends and folk tales, and, at some point in history, a mercenary exploited by kings and queens. Generally speaking, the knight is the first stage prior to or leading to nobility in the aristocratic hierarchy. That is, the "knight" is a kind of entry level into the Nobility. What kind of person was made a knight?
According to Hugh, Count Tiberias, a knight was a person who "must not be consenting to false judgement, or be a party to treason; he must honor all women and damsels, and be ready to aid them to the limit of his powers; he must hear when possible, a mass every day, and must fast every Friday in remembrance of Christ's passing."
In that definition, you see the Christian religious influence on knighthood. Ramon Lull paints an even more saintly picture of what a knight is supposed to be: "He was a man courteous and nobly spoken, well clad and generous. He prized honor before all, and eschewed pride, false-swearing, idleness, lechery, and especially treason." The knight's duties were to take up his sword to uphold justice, protect the weak, and defend the church. According to Maurice Keen, only the most loyal, most strong, and most noble of courage, were chosen to be knights.
Early writers on chivalry such as Ramon Lull, Geoffrey de Charny, and Lambert of Ardres, suggest that kings and queens were encouraged, advised, and even expected to appoint their ministers and important officials of their royal courts from among knights because the knights were the creme de la creme, the finest quality of men in the society.
So, it is not at all surprising that when Kings and Queens, Dukes and Princes, Popes and Patriarchs needed the finest warriors and most loyal and trusted officials or emissaries, they turned to the knights. That was one of the reasons for Pope Urban II's appeal of 1095, at the beginning of the Christian crusades to liberate Jerusalem.
In short, from the traditional oath and charge of knighthood, we get the idea then, that nobility, courage, loyalty, courtesy, largesse (generosity), hardiness, prowess, humility, and tenacity, are the sine qua non characteristics of knighthood. Were these attributes and ideals attainable? I say, Yes. History is replete with stories of famous knights who kept to the ideals of chivalry and thus became immortalized, knights such as William the Marshall, Godfrey de Bouillon, Joan of Arc, Arnold of Ardres, Geoffrey of Anjou, to name a few.
As a point of departure, we should ask the "million dollar" question: Are the ideals and attributes of knighthood still attainable in this modern age? The answer is--Yes! Are knights of this era able to meet the challenges similar to those faced by the medieval knights? The answer is again--Yes!
What then are some of the challenges facing the modern knights? How can the knight meet and overcome these challenges?
Challenges and IdealsIn order to do some justice to this question, one only has to look at any of today's newspaper to see the ills facing society. Every day in the news, you hear or read of rape and murder, betrayal and larceny, smallness of character and acts of cowardice, oppression of the weak and incivility of the worst kind. Those are some of the challenges that face the knight in this age.
John of Salisbury once said that chivalry (knighthood) was a "profession that had been instituted by God and that is in its own right necessary to human well-being." Each modern knight has, in his or her own right, the ability to change the world by changing his or her sphere of influence.
Think for a moment how different the history of Columbine High School would have been if chivalry was the language always spoken there among the students. At the same time, think about what would have happened if one knightly teacher had not risked and sacrificed his life to warn as many students as possible. Think for a moment how different the history of South Africa would have been if there were more knights upholding the ideals of justice, largesse, and defense of the weak. Think for a moment how different the history of the United States would have been if there were more knights, more than a century ago, upholding the ideals of justice for all, courtesy, courage and nobility.
The knight is armed (symbolically in this age) with a sword to do battle against all forms of evil--injustice, racism, and intolerance, terrorism in all forms, genocide in all shapes and pretexts, and oppression. To be successful, the knight must be courageous. Sacrifices are often required in order to do the right thing.
A true knight does not look away when women and children and the weak are being molested or oppressed by the strong and powerful. Edmund Burke once wrote that "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing!" Let us therefore examine some of the traditional attributes of knighthood.
Loyalty: The commercialization of society has made the attribute or ideal of loyalty more and more rare. The knight yesterday and today was, and is, supposed to be loyal to God, his liege, and his country. Loyalty demands honesty and faithfulness, being law-abiding, and promoting the ideals for which you were made a knight.
Courtesy: The ideal of courtesy demands civility, respect, gentle manliness, and kindness. Take a drive on the streets of Washington, New York, Los Angeles, or perhaps even Greeley (Colorado), and you have an idea of some of the challenges knights can face daily. A driver cuts in front of you without warning, and if you dare to honk to warn him of the danger he is creating for both of you, he makes an obscene gesture. A driver wants to overtake you on a street or highway where it is absolutely dangerous to do so, and if you don't get out of his way quickly, bullets may start flying.
The increasing absence of respect, civility, courtesy and gentleness in our society is a challenge that every knight faces. The dedicated knight can combat and counter these tendencies by being courteous on the road, ignoring the finger-shaking highway terrorist, keeping a safe distance from others, and, where necessary, using the appropriate law enforcement system to stop further deterioration of order.
Helping and opening the door for women and children, the handicapped, and the elderly (and even the not-so-elderly) should be a matter of habit for the knight. Teaching your children and your wards the art of civility is the duty of every knight.
Largesse (generosity): An important duty and attribute of knighthood is generosity--the giving of one's time, money, wealth, and knowledge. The modern day chivalric Orders tend to pay a lot of emphasis on this aspect of chivalry for good reason.
Charity (or giving): is a virtue of the highest order. Many Orders of Chivalry expect you, and indeed require you, to give to charity every year. Some Orders have built hospitals, schools, orphanages, and other institutions for helping others. As a knight in this day and age, giving to charity is an important way of promoting justice and defending the weak.
Hardiness, prowess, and tenacity: In medieval times, prowess was judged by the knight's abilities as shown in jousts and tournaments. In this age, prowess should be judged by the knight's abilities and dexterity in combating evil in society, and his diplomacy in dealing with hostile elements.
His tenacity is judged by his readiness and relentless commitment to success on the ideals of chivalry. As one writer once said: "Chivalry involves a constant quest to improve on achievement and cannot rest satisfied."
Humility: In modern society where humility is sometimes mistaken for weakness, it is a challenge for the knight to be strong, tenacious, noble, courageous, kind and yet humble. When you consider that knights are usually selected from among the creme de la creme of society, you realize that you find among knights those who have the most to be proud of, and yet Chivalry demands that humility is as important as achievement.
In conclusion, I wish to leave you with a charge from a late 13th century romance of Dumart le Galois to a group of new knights who were readying to do battle on behalf of the Queen of Ireland against the usurping King Nogans. Dumart said to them:
My Lords, a knight must be hardy, courteous, generous, loyal, and fair of speech: ferocious to his foe, frank and debonair to his friend.... Seek therefore this day to do deeds that will deserve to be remembered, for every new knight should make a good beginning.
So let it be with each of us.
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